I HATE THE FACT

Few things that makes me upset right now...

• I hate the fact that I lost the Microsoft Encarta Premium CD 

So I really really need and want this Encarta Program because it's like Wikipedia, but easier to understand and is perfect for me. Since I'm too disgusted with the cover page of my Science books, I prefer to just use Encarta. But since I formatted the computer, I need to install it again. Bullcrap :(

Thank God I remembered my dad saved the Encarta files, setup in the D drive so I checked it up and installed it from there. I clicked setup and by the time it was copying the files to my C drive it stopped and I see this bullshit message: 

It says Error reading from file: D:\..... Verify that files exist and you can access it. 

CRAP! another problem

So I searched for the CD but i cannot find the CD holder where all of my IMPORTANT FILES were there. So yeah, I cannot install the Encarta, I won't be able to study important stuffs there (which is a big deal 'cause i know nothing about my major and I depend on Encarta for my knowledge) , I won't be ready for college, I lost my files, I won't be able to retrieve my motivation videos I made for 2 months, my pictures, my plans, my life and fuck 'cause i don't have back up copy for that because that's the BACKUP copy itself, i lost the files on the internet (mediafire.com) so nothing's totally left. BULLSHIT.

• I hate that I have many things that I planned to do but too lazy to do it.

I need to have vocal lessons but I don't feel like it. Today is the perfect day to practice, the room's available for 6 hours and I can be free to sing and do one of the world's craziest but most effective vocalizations, but i just practiced for 30 minutes, leaving the 10 vocal scales on my to-do list, unchecked. Don't get me wrong, I'm an opportunity grabber but I can't practice when I'm bored, tired or unmotivated. I'm a person who do things only when I enjoy and love it. 

I know there's a plenty of time to do those vocalizations but I already scheduled it and that schedule is final and immovable/cannot be delayed or postponed. So every time I miss some tasks I feel regretful and hopeless  not only in vocal practices but in other everyday tasks too. Knowing that it'll only be few days until classes will resume just makes me sick.

• I hate that I'm getting fatter and I keep munching food, hungry or not

The thing is I'm not into looking good especially pushing efforts to be pretty. But most of the time when I look good, I feel good and I'm motivated to do anything you told me to and when I see myself ugly I feel hopeless  and I feel envious when I see pretty girls in our school. 

 

It just makes me want to say "i should have that look, like, right now!". It's a bad attitude i need to get rid but I can't, unless I will really put efforts into looking good. 

That was part of my plans this vacation, but not  really the 'main plan' or the focus of the plan. I started planning to get slimmer because that's the shortcut to looking good, in my case. Next the hairdo, but I won't do it until I graduate from High School, I want the new look off my High School life. Then the height, clothes and the rest of improvements would be easy. 

However, since I'm busy doing other more more important stuff, I barely have time for it. I planned jogging and having healthy diet for weight loss but the jogging is not working (see my other posts to know the reason) and the vegan diet is too pricey. I don't know what's gonna happen know, but I'm pretty sure that I'll change my looks before I'm off to college.

• i hate the fact that I'm not ready for college

I need looks, talent and intellect! Looks are easy to have, talent - not easy as intellect is. Anyway, my plans are like this.. Since I'm dying to have a talent for singing, for the 3 months left for high school, I'll improve and focus on singing. But I don't have motivation and time, so I decided i will just continue my weight loss program including the vegan diet and I'll just spare my time studying everything when the room's not available for singing. That's the best plan I could make but that's not easy. Especially for the singing part, because I'm losing hope for me to improve my talent in singing. I feel like singing's just not for me... when the room's available, the time and everything's perfect, I'm not in mood to practice, when I'm in mood, that's when one is not available, so it's either I'll rent a room of my own (which is impossible) or force myself to have motivation... and the cycle goes on. It's really difficult.